Fall

“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”

~L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

I love autumn-time. It is, far and away, my favorite season.  However, this subtle slide from the lazy days of summer into the cool crispness of fall always make me somewhat wistful.
Something happens when we reach this spot on the calendar. Maybe it has something to do with switching out my shorts, tshirts, and summer scarves for boots, sweaters, and jeans.  Maybe it's the anticipation of the holidays (really, who doesn't love Halloween and Thanksgiving?). Maybe it's football season. Maybe it's the food: the Honeycrisp apples, the pumpkin everything, cider, pie, and comfort food.  Maybe the changing color of the leaves simply releases magic into the air.

“Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.”

~George Eliot 

I think it has something to do with autumn being a time of harvest: the reaping of what has been sown, the enjoyment of the, literal, fruits of one's labors. Where spring is the time of planting, rebirth, and growth; fall is it's simpler, more relaxed cousin. 

And so, I will embrace this change of season. I will put on my sweater, pull on my boots, and march down the sidewalk through the red and golden leaves.  I will throw open my windows and drink deeply of the richness of autumn. 

For the love of...

This past weekend Greasemonkey and I decided to get away for a little date night.  We had a gift certificate to Rodizio Grille, so we ended up at Trolley Square.  After dinner we had a little time, so we decided to wander around Trolley for a minute.  It was then that we stumbled upon the most magical place I've ever been. I'm sure this isn't a new place, but it was new to me.  The moment we walked through the door of Weller Book Works, I knew I'd be back for more.  Let me tell you about this incredible place:

I walked through the front door into a room full of antique, rare, and vintage collections of books.  Through a small back door labeled "More Books This Way," a whole world opened up. The first thing I noticed was the smell.  Oh, that glorious, wonderful, musty, lovely odor of well loved books. I trailed my hands along the exposed brick wall to the staircase in the corner. I trod down the stairs into a veritable wonderland of mostly used books.

I sent Greasemonkey away on a made up errand so I could have a moment to myself.  It was at this point that my emotions, quite literally, overcame me.  I broke out in goosebumps and got teary-eyed.  You see, that's what books do to me: they reach right into my heart and tug on the strings that reside there. I wandered aimlessly for several minutes trying to compose myself. It wasn't happening. I trailed my fingers along the spines of the well-loved tomes and let the tears flow for a awhile.

Books speak to me in a way that nothing else can.  They are more than just words on a page.  They are more than just stories.  They are more than just pages in a binding.  There are entire worlds contained between those beautiful, worn covers.  There are lives, feelings, hopes, dreams, and so much more in those beautiful pages. It is an escape from the mundane, the every day, and the hardships of the real world. I am a die-hard book lover.  I have been having a love affair with the written word for as long as I can remember. It is a love that I hope to instill in T-Bone, as well.

Anyway, back to my aimless wandering:  I stumbled upon a true hidden treasure.  Many of you know that I am a life-long fan of Roald Dahl.  What a lot of people don't know is that before he wrote some of his better-known books, he wrote many short stories for magazine and newspaper publishing. Well, I found a copy of The Roald Dahl Omnibus. And it was only $10.  Seriously?  I snatched it off the shelf and hugged it to my chest while I went off in search of Greasemonkey. I knew that if I didn't get that book I'd kick myself all the way home.  Forget the fact that we were on the motorcycle and it was 600 pages long.  I would find a way to get it home.  After convincing him that I didn't just want it, I NEEDED it, we left that wonderful book haven the proud new owners of an omnibus. I zipped it into my jacket for safe keeping on the ride home and we ceased the nights adventures.

So, you see, this rare gem of a book store made me forget about life for awhile.  It melted my cares away and it melted my heart.  For my first true love will always be books.

The one where I might insult people...

Ok, deep breaths.  You can do this, Annabelle, you can do this. I've been mulling this idea over, chewing on it, trying to decide if I'm brave enough to actually write this post. I can't stop myself. I so strongly feel the need to speak up on a subject that has been niggling at me for awhile now.

Kids, friends, lovely readers, it's time to talk 50 Shades of Grey. 

Now, I will state right up front that I have not read the books, nor do I ever intend to read the books. I'm basing this purely on what I have read about them, heard about them from others, and reactions I've seen across America lately. I, however, can't in good conscience keep my mouth shut on this one. 

I fully admit that I have read my fair share of trashy romance novels. I'll even go so far as to say that there was a time in my life that I was addicted to them. I will also fully admit that they gave me false ideas of what love, sex, and intimacy are like.  They did not prepare me for real relationships, and in fact, probably hindered me. It took me quite a long time to realign my reality with my imagined perception.

Anyway, back to my point.  50 Shades goes above and beyond the typical "romance" category.  Here is the synopsis from GoodReads:

"When literature student Anastasia Steele is drafted to interview the successful young entrepreneur Christian Grey for her campus magazine, she finds him attractive, enigmatic and intimidating. Convinced their meeting went badly, she tries to put Grey out of her mind - until he happens to turn up at the out-of-town hardware store where she works part-time.

The unworldly, innocent Ana is shocked to realize she wants this man, and when he warns her to keep her distance it only makes her more desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her - but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey's singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success – his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving adoptive family – Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a passionate, physical and daring affair, Ana learns more about her own dark desires, as well as the Christian Grey hidden away from public scrutiny.

Can their relationship transcend physical passion? Will Ana find it in herself to submit to the self-indulgent Master? And if she does, will she still love what she finds?

Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever."

First, a little background on the book: it was written as a fan-fic of Twilight.  That's right, the characters of Ana and Christian are based on Edward and Bella.  It was originally published as a web-only story, then split into 3 books and virally marketed. Ok, I can deal with that.  What I can't deal with is the subject matter.  I'm not an idiot, and I wasn't born yesterday.  I know that erotic literature exists in the world.  I know that there are BDSM relationships out there.  I know that some people love that kind of thing. 

I don't understand the mommy community's fascination, and obsession, with it.  Some statistics are showing that the book's biggest fan-base is married women over 30.  It has even been dubbed "mommy porn".  It is a scientifically proven fact that men are aroused and excited by visual images, pictures, etc. Women are excited and aroused by words, actions, and the like.  I balk at the idea of reading this book.  When people hear me say that, they often ask me why.  My response?  I would be devastated if my husband looked at porn, why would it be ok for me to stimulate myself in the same way.  Pornography is not acceptable in my house, no matter who is looking at it. I was appalled to see this sitting open-stocked on a table at Costco yesterday. That means it was in full reading view of anyone who decided to pick it up, whether that be our young teenage daughters, our impressionable children, or whoever.

So, why has the popularity of this series exploded?  Why are wives, mothers, and daughters everywhere accepting this smut into their lives, their minds, and their souls?  Why is there a double standard? Are we really so sexually deprived as women that we feel the need to turn to erotica?

There's a chance I will lose some of you over this post, but I just couldn't keep it in any longer.  If you have read the series, would you mind giving me your reasons as to why you liked it?  I, for one, am choosing to not follow the crowd.  I will stand firm in my conviction to keep my mind free from the degrading influence of pornography.  

On Motherhood

Having young children is not easy. Many days are just difficult.

~Elder Neil L. Andersen

With it being the Sharkbaby's first birthday so recently I've been doing a lot of reflecting on being a mother, but for some reason I have been having a terribly difficult time actually writing this post.

I started this phase of my life a little disillusioned. I was under the impression that motherhood would come naturally to me. I'd seen my friends transition effortlessly into the role of Mom. I'd watched people around me shower their children with love, affection, and kindness, all while setting up boundaries and discipline. I thought I could do it, too.

I spent my 40 weeks of pregnancy imagining how wonderful my life would be, how much joy this sweet little boy would bring to my life. I had hopes, dreams, and plans. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I had a list of "nevers." You know what I mean: I'll never get upset when my baby wakes up in the middle of the night, I'll never take my children home from church in the middle of the block, I'll never let my baby use a binky or a bottle after his first birthday. However, I'm not ashamed at all to admit that I've broken pretty much every "never" on my list.

Being a mom is hard. It is a never-ending; 24/7; day shift, night shift, swing shift job.

But being a mom is also so easy. When I hold that sweet little boy in my arms my heart fills with so much love I think I might burst. When he cuddles up on my lap at bedtime to read stories I feel more fulfilled than any other time in my life. When I see him smile and call out "Daaaa-deee" when his dad gets home from work, I experience a joy that I never knew existed. I think about him constantly. I pray without ceasing for him. I worry and I hope and I dream and I plan.

Motherhood has not come easily to me. I work hard at it every second of everyday. I cry, sometimes I yell, I lose patience, and I get so sick of singing "If you're happy and you know it" that I could puke.

But I wouldn't trade those sticky little hand prints on my fridge for the cleanest kitchen in the world. I wouldn't trade my stretch marks and loose skin for six-pack abs. I wouldn't trade the sleepless nights for a solid 8 hours.

I wouldn't trade this terrible, mixed up, crazy, emotional, wonderful, amazing, life-changing for anything.

We Made It!!

My Sweet Little Man,
It's your first birthday and I can hardly believe it. What a year this has been. You have changed my life in ways that I can't even begin to describe. This year has simultaneously been the most fun and the hardest year of my life. I hoped, dreamed, and prayed for you, but nothing could have prepared me for what, and who, you really are.
My handsome boy, you have such a little personality. Already you think you are hilariously funny. You know how to say "Mama", but anytime we ask you to say it you very clearly go, "Daddy. Huh huh huh." You think that game is a lot of fun. You also have quite a fascination with faces. You know where to find eyes, noses, teeth, tongues, ears, and hair. However, you're not terribly gentle. You also know fingers and toes.
You still love story time. Once you've had your bath and are all dressed for bed you will crawl over to the rocking chair in your bedroom and just wait to read stories. Bedtime is my favorite time of day with you. I love holding you on my lap in the rocking chair, smelling your sweet little head, and cuddling while we read stories and you drink your milk. I feel like that is "our" time everyday and I miss it on the nights I'm at work.
You are getting so big and strong. You love to walk, but only if you're holding onto something or someone. You have 6 teeth with a 7th on it's way in. For your birthday I made you a bucket with some bean bags so you can put things in and take things out to your heart's content. You also love to be doing whatever Mom and Dad are doing. If we're in the kitchen, you want to be playing in the kitchen. If we're outside, you are one happy kid. If I'm in the bathroom getting ready, you want to be right there with me.
You love to talk nonsense sounds to me. We can carry on conversations like that all day. You give the sweetest little slobbery open-mouthed kisses. I love watching your little hands sign things to me to show me what you need. You can sign food, milk, more, finished, play, water, and shoes. You also know how to give high 5 and bones.
My sweet, sweet baby... I can hardly call you a baby anymore. Everyday you turn into more of a little boy. Everyday you learn and grow so much, and everyday I learn and grow right along with you. I love you for everything you are. I love you for everything you will someday become. I love you for everything you have taught me about myself. I love you all the way up to your toes, to the moon and back. I love you with everything I have inside of me.
So, on your first birthday, I am overflowing with the love and joy you bring to my life. Thank you, handsome boy, for this past year. Here's to many more to come.
I love Monkey!
Love,
Mama

Enjoy the Journey

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the idea of happiness. What is it? Where does it come from? Do I create my own or does it come from outside sources? Am I truly happy?

I’ve been reading the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. The author takes a whole year to explore the idea of happiness. She decides what exactly makes her happy, seeks out those things, and attempts to experience the maximum amount of happiness she can. What she discovers is that happiness can come easily, but often she has to work for it.

I don’t know that I’m an innately happy person and I, probably too often, rely on outside sources for my happiness. “Happy” does not necessarily come naturally to me, it takes a lot of conscious effort and work on my part. I’ve also come to realize that the things I am often passionate about don’t always lead to a state of happiness. So, I decided to think about what really makes me happy.

I also came to realize that until I am true to who I am as a person, I’ll never achieve that true happiness that I’m searching for. So, I’m taking the example of Ms. Rubin, and I’m going to come up with my own personal happiness commandments.

1. Be Annicka (Ok, so I stole this idea directly from her, but it’s a good one). From now on I will think about whether my words, my actions, my experiences are being true to me being myself. I know this may sound self-serving, but if I’m not true to who I am as a person I will never be able to achieve happiness. I spend a lot of time being so worried about others’ perceptions of me that often I lose who I truly am.

2. Service Breeds Love. This comes down to a simple a statement given from a father to a son: Forget yourself and go to work. This is a hard one for me to remember. When I’m feeling down I always want it to be all about me. I want to throw my little pity party and mope around and have everyone feel bad for me. From now on when I feel down I will make an effort to serve those around me. I think that this attitude will assist me in finding who I am.

3. Keep it Simple. I have a tendency to complicate things, I mean, I am a woman after all. I make grand plans, I have big ideas, I always want what I do to be the biggest, brightest, and best. Sometimes my big plans make me end up in my own way. So, I will be keeping it simple.

4. Find the Humor. I have a tendency to get caught up in the minutia and stress myself out. If the baby is having a bad day, it gets to me. If my kitchen or bathroom is a mess, it gets to me. If traffic is bad and I’m late, it gets to me. And so, I will find the humor. Instead of crying, I will laugh. Instead of complaining, I will find the humor.

5. Smile. There have been many times in my life where I’ve had to live the adage “fake it ‘til you make it.” One of the underlying themes in The Happiness Project is to act how you want to feel and it will become natural. For this reason, I will smile.

6. Lose the Attitude. Sometimes, I flat out have a bad attitude. I am going to strive towards having a good attitude. I have found the gossip, backbiting, and sniping all feed into my bad attitudes. So, I will be checking my attitude at the door. I would also like to invite all of you to remind me of this.

Now, none of this is to say that I’m not happy. I am very happy. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and shows me that very thing in sweet and tender little ways. I have a sweet and gentle baby boy that teaches me something new everyday. I have a career where I get the opportunity to serve people at the most vulnerable times of their lives. I have so much in my life to be grateful for and happy about.

I just want to do all that I can to make sure that I am experiencing happiness and joy as much as I possibly can.

And so, with the beginning of this New Year, I begin on the journey of my own happiness project.

To Happiness!

Wrap it up

I have been a terrible blogger lately. I'm going to blame it on being out-of-control busy. Between working full time, going back to school, and being a mommy and a wife I haven't had a whole lot of spare time to speak of. So, in a last-ditch attempt to put off studying for my final next week, here are some things that have been on my mind:
Christmas is nearly upon us. Our house is all decorated, I'm in the middle of sending out cards, and I'm nearly done shopping. The sharkbaby LOVES the tree. He thinks it's about the coolest thing in the whole world. He also loves to say, "Ho ho ho" and "Merry Christmas." He loves listening to me practice the piano for upcoming Christmas concerts. I know he's too little to "get" Christmas this year, but I'm still excited.
Speaking of Sharkleton, he is growing up so fast! I can't believe I've been on this crazy, wild, awesome ride for almost a year. I don't want to discuss it too much because I want to have something to write about in his 11 month letter, but just know that he is turning into quite the little character.
I've been crafting up a storm. In the past week I've sewn probably 6 microwave rice bags (you know, the ones that you heat up). They're super fast and easy. I think I'll keep a bunch on hand to give away as gifts. I've also become hooked on Pinterest and I keep finding ideas for things I want to try. In fact, just today, I found some cute little owl bean bags. I think I'm going to make some for the boy's first birthday. Now if I could just drag myself away long enough to actually try my brilliant ideas.
I'm currently in the process of composing my 2012 goals. There are a lot of things I want to do, see, try, and learn in the coming year. My main goal is going to be getting organized, and I'm going to start by organizing my goals. I think I'll set up one big thing a month that I can check off my list.
There are a few things going on at work right now that I'm not terribly thrilled about. Okay, I'm actually downright angry. In fact, I'm still to angry to blog about it. Stay tuned for more on that.
As this Christmas season is upon us I am grateful for the opportunity to reflect on my personal relationship with Him whose birth we celebrate at this time of year. I feel that I have come to know my Savior in a way I never have before through the trials that I've faced. I have learned more in the past year about how my Heavenly Father truly cares for me than I have in the whole of my life combined. I am truly blessed with wonderful parents, siblings, extended family, and in-laws. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world to be married to my best friend, and with him share the joy of parenthood. As this year comes to a close and we all begin the next chapter in our lives I pray that we may keep Christ, not only at the center of this Christmas season, but at the center of our lives year round.
May you all experience the beauty that this life has to offer.
XOXO

Please

Dear Moms of the World,

I have a plea for all of you. Can we please stop with the "mommy wars"? Can we please stop judging each other for our differences? It's our differences in parenting that make all of our children so unique and wonderful.

Sincerely,

A Fed Up Mama

I've been pondering on this post for a long time. I've been trying to figure out how to write this without offending somebody, or everybody. And then I realized that doesn't matter. Someone will always be offended, somebody will always judge, and somebody will always be upset by my opinion. But the good news is that this is my blog. And I can say what I want. And if you don't like it, stop reading. Anyway, back to my post.

My first item of business is the whole breastfeeding thing. I know I've talked about this many times, but it's still nagging a bit. I've done a lot of reading about breastfeeding issues, what research says is best for babies, etc. One theme that is constant through all of this is that everyone thinks their way is the right way. I'm here to tell you that the "right" way is whatever works for you and produces a healthy, happy baby. I recently read a blog post from a woman who discussed her struggles with breastfeeding. Instead of uplifting comments, a lot of what I saw were things like, "Thanks so much for perpetuating the myth that breastfeeding is hard." A) If it actually is hard for someone, that means it's not a myth. B) Whatever happened to the lesson we learned as children, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Secondly is the whole working mom thing. I know I've talked about this before, too, but it really strikes a nerve with me. I have nothing against stay at home moms. In fact, I admire them for their ability to do this incredibly challenging thing. However, Curious George and I have made the choice for me to work to keep us out of debt. And really, I'm a better mom because I go to work. I don't have the patience or the serenity to stay at home with the Sharkbaby all the time. I would be grumpy, short-tempered, and it would probably make my boys not want to be around me at all.

The third thing I'd like to discuss is the flat out judgement. Why do we insist on comparing our children to each other? Why would we try and bring another mom down just because our baby hit a milestone before her's? Raising children is hard enough without worrying about how they compare to everyone else's child. Does it really affect our lives if a family chooses to co-sleep, cry-it-out, swaddle, breastfeed, bottle feed, discipline, let their children watch tv, or whatever? Not really.

So, I vote that we put a cease and desist order on the Mommy Wars. Let us come together in this crazy, difficult, trying, wonderful, heartbreaking, heartwarming experience called Motherhood. Let's not worry so much about comparing and contrasting our children as we do about raising a generation of kind, tolerant, and non-judgmental children.

As the primary song says, "Jesus said love everyone." Our job as mothers is the nurturing and righteous education of our children. How can we expect our children to learn tolerance and meaningful relationships unless we first put it these things into practice in our own lives?

Forget-me-not

I had a ticket to attend Women's Conference at the conference center. I opted instead to walk with the Englishes, Curious George, and the Sharkbaby in the Light the Night walk to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma society. I don't, for even one second, regret the choice that I made. Let me explain to you why:

I'd read on Facebook comments from enormous amounts of women that President Uchtdorf's talk was fantastic, that is was written just for them, and how wonderful the conference was.

I felt a little twinge at that, that I'd missed the opportunity to hear this great man speak to our souls. I felt a little sad that I'd missed out on the opportunity to join with a group of my ward sisters, and sisters in the gospel, to lift each other up.

I kept telling myself that I needed to read the talk. If everyone was talking about it, writing about it, etc, that it must be amazing. And then life happened. I could make excuses for why I didn't get around to it. I had to grocery shop, I have a baby to take care of, I work, I'm in school, blahblahblah. The truth is, I forgot that I wanted to read it. Like so many other "gospel" things, it got pushed lower on my priority list. It lost place to being a mom, keeping house, work, and all of the other things that I use to fill my time.

And then this week exploded. For whatever reason I've been moody, emotional, exhausted, and not able to sleep well. Sharkleton has been extra-clingy. The house seems to be in a constant state of upheaval. It's just been one of those weeks.

Anyway, back to my point... I came into work tonight and noticed one of my sweet CNA's reading the talk. I mentioned that I'd heard about it, and that at some point I should make time to read it. Within 5 minutes, she walked up to me, handed me her copy, and told me to take the time right then. I think she was inspired.

I took advantage of a few quiet moments to read the words of that dear man, and the pierced me to my very soul. I know that every other LDS woman feels this way right now, but I can honestly say that talk was for me. My Heavenly Father knew what I needed to hear, and he needed to remind me of some priorities. However, I was chastened and reminded in the most gentle and loving way possible.

"...we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It’s wonderful that you have strengths.

And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.

...

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom."

There was a reason I needed that on this day at this time. There was a reason that I needed to wait a few extra days to read these wonderful expired words. So, I will strive my hardest to forget them not, because I am not forgotten.