Home is wherever your feet take you

#19- If you could live anywhere where would it be, and why?
 There are a few places I have lived.  All have been in Utah:

 I spent 3 years in Saint George while I went to nursing school.

I lived at Brighton Girls Camp for the summer between my Junior and Senior years of high school.

And I've lived in this gorgeous Salt Lake Valley for most of my life (I love it here!!)

There are, however, many places I would like to live, if only for a short while.  They include, but are most definitely NOT limited to some of the following:

Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Dingle, Ireland

Washington DC

Manhattan

 And a few where I have permanent residence, if only in my mind:

Wherever this place is.

And finally, Hogwarts.  It will always be a little bit home.

But really what it comes down to is this:

I am not an engineer

There is a movement afoot from some students at that unmentionable school to the south.  There is a girl down there who is pushing to get rid of the title "Homemaker."  She finds it to be out-dated, offensive, and something to be ashamed of. I'm going to have to beg to differ.

Now lets talk for a moment about the term "housewife."  That term, I do think is outdated.  It brings to mind an image of a woman whose only job is to be a wife that stays at home.  It has an air of laziness and entitlement about it.

I personally feel that "homemaker" is a very apt description of what a wife and mother does on a daily basis. I may work full time, but I consider myself a homemaker.  Every day that I spend taking care of Greasemonkey and T-Bone, I am making a home.

The following is an excerpt from the Deseret News article that can be found here:
"Bullock said that the word 'homemaking' has a certain connotation that her generation didn’t relate to, so she decided to come up with a new concept of taking care of the home and created the term 'domaign'...
'Domaign' comes from the Czech word 'doma,' which means home, and 'ign' from the last three letters in design."

Essentially what she says is that she feels like a domaign "engineer" works to create the perfect life. That's where I run into issues with her whole campaign. I don't feel that my job as a homemaker is to engineer a perfect life.  I work to make an orderly, love-filled, happy home. 

Honestly, I have enough on my plate without trying to engineer a perfect life.  If I were to strive for perfection at home I would go crazy!  There is no such thing as a perfect life and anyone who thinks they can create it is going to spend their life being disappointed. 

I feel like the best thing I can do as a wife and mother is work at making a happy home. I am happy to call myself a homemaker. 

Forgiveness is more than saying sorry...

#18- What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

I've been thinking about this one for WEEKS now, and I can't come up with anything.  So I'm going to skip it.  I can do that, after all, it is my blog.

Greatness

#17- What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

We are sleep training in our house right now.  For awhile T-Bone awesome sleeper that would take 2 naps a day, and still do a straight 12 hour stretch at night.  It was heaven.  And then about a month ago he started waking up at night.  For the life of us we couldn't figure out why. We tried everything we could think of the make it stop.  We rocked, we snuggled, we gave him a snack at bedtime, there were nights I finally just brought him into bed with me so I wouldn't have to get up every 20 minutes.

So, about a week ago I got this hare-brained idea that it was time to take away the binky.  I thought to myself, "If he doesn't use it anymore, he won't freak out at 3 in the morning when he wakes up and can't find it."  We'd done some sleep training with him before, and it had generally gone fairly well.  Usually by night three he was settled into the new routine. Anyway, back to taking away the binks...

After his first birthday we took them away except for when he was going to sleep (naps and bedtime). We originally planned to take the binkies away completely at a year, but I chickened out.  So, we decided that a good time to stop would be when I had several nights in a row off work so I could be the one dealing with it.  Let's just say that it's not going well.

I fully blame myself.  I'm an enormous pushover when it comes to my child, first of all.  When he's laying there screaming I want nothing more than to go and snuggle him and love on him.  It is also quite self-centered. I like my sleep.  As a full time mom working full time (mostly) night shifts, I live in a constant state of sleep deprivation. Any more missed sleep makes for a not-so-happy mama.

Which all brings me to the thing I most wish I was great at.  I wish I was great at patience.  When I decide I want something, I want it right now.  When I think it's time for my baby to be done with the binky, I think it should just go away with no problems. And he should sleep through the night. And I should have endless patience with the messes, the whining, the endless readings of "Edwina the Emu" and "Jamberry".

Most of the time my emotions are treading on the thin ice of my patience. If I could be great at one thing it would be patience with my child, my husband, my family, my friends, my coworkers, my patients, and everyone else around me.

Accomplished

#16- What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

My definition of accomplishment has changed in the last year or so.  Some days my greatest accomplishment is taking a shower and getting dressed. Some days it goes as far as completing a sewing project.  But as for my top five of all time?  Here we go:

1. This face right here:

That sweet little slice of toddler heaven is my number one accomplishment.  Not only did I grow this child inside me for the better part of a year, I get to spend everyday watching him learn and grow. He may still be a work in progress, but he is still my #1.

2. My marriage.  It took me 4 months to convince Greasemonkey that he even wanted to date me, but once I had him hooked things just fell into place.

Once again, it is still a work in progress... every day of my life it's a work in progress. But finding the perfect man for me, and growing closer together every single day is the second great accomplishment of my life.

3. My career. I worked dang hard to end up where I have in my profession.  It took me 4 years of college to get my associates degree (lame, I know), and then the passing of nursing boards, but all of that just makes me appreciate it more. Because of my chosen line of work I get the opportunity to help people and change lives every. single. day. I am nurse, hear me roar.

4. Life long friendships.

I have known all of the amazing women in this picture for 15 years.  15 years!!! That's longer than we'd been alive when we met. These women are my life long friends.  Together we have seen junior high, high school, college, marriage, and children.  We may not see each other often, but when we do, it's like no time has passed between visits.  

5. Day to day life.  Sometimes, just making it through a day and collapsing into bed in one piece is the greatest accomplishment of all. 'Nough said...

Animal-ish

#15- Which animal best describes you, and why.

I've struggled with this post for over a week now (as you can see from all of the other stuff I've been posting). But I think I've finally settled on one.

It's no secret that there is one animal I feel I relate to more than any other.  Maybe it's a height thing.  Maybe it's a sheer awkwardness thing. Either way, I feel a special kinship with giraffes.  So much so, in fact, that I wish THIS were a real website. However, that is beside the point.  The point is that I love giraffes. A lot.

Anyway, here are a few interesting facts about giraffes to help you love them as much as I do:

~Ancient Greeks and Romans believed that giraffes were a love-child of camels and leopards.
~Giraffes can sleep and give birth standing up.  In fact, they only sleep about 2 hours a day.
~They can run 37 miles per hour.
~Not only do giraffes possess the record for the longest neck, they also possess very long tails... up to 8 feet long!
~Two of the nine species of giraffes are currently considered endangered.

~Giraffes don't have vocal cords.  They communicate by throwing their heads back and emitting puffs of air.

And now some pictures:

A cute mom and baby

I love them for their awkwardness

Aw, they're kissing!

Seriously, though, you thought of me when you saw this... don't lie.

Be Good Until Then

Ok, we all know I'm mildly obsessed with Butch Walker. Seriously, if you haven't checked him out you should.  I promise it'll be worth it. 

Anyway, I've been on sort of Butch kick, lately.  This song is called "Be Good Until Then" and it just kind of spoke to me.  Tommy will grow up knowing this song, because I think it has some important advice in it... 

Always know the road you're riding on
Always know the words to your baby's song

Try to make the most of Friday nights when they come

Maybe turn a stranger to a friend

Never break a heart that's on the mend

Never let the romance ever end like I've done

Never judge a color of a skin

Never judge a person by their kin

Never follow leaders that begin behind some wall

Always help your mom across the street

Always wash your hands when you wanna eat

Always keep em dirty enough to see where you came from

And its OK to cry

If you feel it comin on

It'll let you know you're human in the end

All these things will mean more when I'm gone

Just be good until then

Try to see the best inside the bad

No matter how many drinks you had

Never make a promise you'll regret come sunrise

Try to rarely ever oversleep

Always keep your ego at your feet

Maybe try to practice what you preach once in a while

It's OK to cry

If you feel it comin on

It'll let you know you're human in the end

All these things will mean more when I'm gone

Just be good until then

Everybody loves a hero

Not so much when they fall short so

Try to keep your cape on underneath

You don't have to try so hard

To be the best. Just know you are

And that's all that'll matter to me

And its OK to cry

If you feel it comin on

It'll let you know you're human in the end

All these things will mean more when I'm gone

Just be good until then

And if you'd like to hear it for yourself, go here.

To Hell and Back

The last week or so has been really hard. But let me start at the beginning...

I've spent the last month-ish coming off my anti-depressants. I went on them shortly after T-Bone was born to help with my PPD, and they did.  I felt "normal" again. Then after about 9 months I decided it was probably time to try living life without it. I talked to the midwives and they recommended that I wait until winter was over.

So after I miscarried, I decided that it was finally time to bite the bullet and try to detox myself. I did a lot of research on the best way to wean myself down.  After about 6 weeks, I was finally done.  Because I did a slow wean I didn't experience any of the untoward effects that can come with getting some anti-depressants out of your system. (Apparently it is akin to detoxing off of heroin.  Glad I didn't have to go there).

Anyway, about the time I was down to just 1-2 doses per week, T-Bone decided that he was done sleeping until 8 am. Ugh. I don't do 5:30 in the morning unless I'm at the tail-end of working a night shift, and I especially don't do it with a whiney 1 year old. After much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth (mostly from me, a little bit from him) we got him sleeping until after 6. Praise the Gods of toddler sleep! 

But the plot thickens...

I was already on edge from lack of sleep, as anyone would be, right?  Well, on Tuesday I was having a conversation with T-Bone's wonderful babysitter, Katie.  She has been watching him for a few hours every Tuesday while Greasemonkey and I cross shifts. She has been such a blessing in our lives.  I have never once worried about leaving T-Bone with her because I know she just treats him like one of her own kids. I also love the environment she can expose him to, that I am just not capable of exposing him to. See, Katie is blessed with adopted kids, so every Tuesday they go to adopted kids playgroup.  I LOVE that Tommy gets to be involved in that, because it's not an experience I am able to give him. Anyway, back to our conversation: after some back and forth about my family watching him this summer, she told me that with her daughter starting kindergarten this fall, her schedule is going to be such that she can't commit to taking T-Bone once school starts back up.  I completely understand where she's coming from, and she's got to do what's best for her family. However, that didn't stop my heart from dropping just a little bit. Any of you that are moms will understand. When you find a sitter as good as the one I have, you want to hold on with a death grip and fight for them tooth and nail. So, thank you to Katie for a wonderful 9 months being a second mom to my sweet T-Bone.  (And yes, I had a mini-meltdown at work when I realized all of this)

And then poor Greasemonkey couldn't do anything right.  I yelled at him for putting the baby down for a nap, for crying out loud.  It seemed like every little thing set me off.

And then there was the usual Sunday drama.

And then Monday rolled around.  "Great!" I thought, "We can start fresh with a new week." Well, Greasemonkey got stuck working a long day at work. And T-Bone couldn't seem to find any voice but a whiney one. And so I decided to brave the grocery store by myself. T-Bone did great!  He was happy, smiley, and helpful.  We got to the checkout line, got everything rung up, and sweet mother of all things annoying, I forgot my wallet.  Seriously? I forgot my freaking wallet. So I called up the husband to come rescue me.  He got stuck getting off the freeway (there was an accident blocking the off ramp), but he came and paid for our groceries. We finished out our day, and I collapsed into bed.

Today (Tuesday) started out fairly well.  We started our day at 6:45, which is tolerable, and T-Bone was actually in a good mood. I came into work... and it hit the fan.  Greasemonkey called me in a panic saying he was stuck at work, and wondering if there was any way I could go get T-Bone from Katie's house. He was panicked, which made me panic, which was not a pretty sight. I burst into tears for the 700th time in the last week (seriously, ask my mom... I think I had 5 meltdowns at Sunday dinner, alone) and came to the following conclusion:

It's time to go back on my medication. I tried to live without it, and I failed.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  If the balance that a small dose of antidepressant brings is what I need to be an effective wife, mom, nurse, friend, whatever, then so be it.  I will gladly take that little blue pill every day if it means a better life for my baby, my husband, and myself.