Monday, September 16, 2013

How's it Going?

"So, how's it going?"

I have heard this question more often than any other in the last few weeks. Everyone seems to ask how it's going. I wonder how many of them want an honest answer.

I know what people want to hear from a new mom (whether for the first time or somewhere further down the line). They want to hear about how fabulous it is. How your baby is an angel baby that sleeps through the night, eats like a champ, and has a sweet disposition. They want to hear that you've never felt better. That you're so star-struck with your new little one that you just want to look into his or her eyes all day.  They want to hear about how much your older child loves the baby. That he's a good helper who is always gentle and kind to the baby. People want sunshine and roses and sappy-happiness.

But here's the truth:

It kind of sucks. In fact, some days it sucks a lot.

I really do have an angel baby. He is mellow, happy, and content to just hang out. He loves to snuggle. He is a great sleeper... during the day. He eats like a champ, but he also spits up a lot.

The truth is that most of the time, I don't remember the last time I showered. I've worn nothing but yoga pants and old race t-shirts for almost a month now. And sleep? Forget about it. Between middle of the night feedings, a 2-year-old that only naps sometimes, and a newborn that is possibly the noisiest sleeper EVER, I'm awake a lot. There are days that I wake up with a nervous pit in my stomach wondering how I'm going to survive the day until Greasemonkey gets home from work. And some days I'm hanging onto the sanity cliff by one little finger by the time he does get home.  The truth is that I cry. A lot. Some days we go run fake errands, just so the boys will both be strapped into their car seats and I don't have to entertain for a little while.

The truth is that T-Bone is angry. He hasn't asked me to send the baby back, but there have definitely been some hard feelings surface since we brought Little O home. He's been aggressive, defiant, and argumentative. The truth is that we spend a lot of time talking about good choices and bad choices, about how it's not ok to hit/kick/bite/slap/lay on/ or abuse people. We spend a lot of time talking about how it's ok to be angry and sad sometimes.

I don't want to give the wrong impression. I love my boys. I love them more than anything else in the whole world. But being a mom is hard. It will test every limit you can think of. It is tiring emotionally, physically, and mentally. And sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it sucks a lot.

So, if you ask me how it's going I'll probably paste on a smile, lie, and tell you how I've never been happier. Just know that sometimes what I'm really saying with my eyes is, "This sucks, and I could really use a chocolate donut."




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