1 Month

So, I just finished reading the book "it sucked and then i cried" by Heather Armstrong (she also has a website: www.dooce.com, for anyone interested). I highly recommend it for anyone who has ever had a baby, post-partum depression, or just wants a read that will alternately make you laugh and cry. Anyway, I loved it (making fun of Mormons aside). Something the author does, though, is write a letter to her baby every month. This is something I'm going to try and do for the Sharkbaby. I'll be out of town and away from the internet for his actual 1 month on Thursday, so I'm going to post it now.

Dear Sharkbaby,

Wow, one whole month old, already! What a month it has been, too. As I write this you are crashed out in your daddy's lap. This is a good thing, since earlier this week I couldn't get you to sleep during the day at all.

I don't ever want to lie to you, so I'm going to be completely honest and tell you that for the first few weeks I wasn't sure about you. We had a bit of a hard time getting to know each other. We just couldn't seem to figure each other out. There were times when I thought about sending you away to live at Pops and Nana's house. Then came the shift. I'll get to that in just a minute.

You see, kiddo, your mom has a disease called post-partum depression. That means, for whatever reason, when her body is trying to get normal after having a baby she gets sad. It has nothing to do with you, but it makes life kind of difficult sometimes. Add to that us not quite being able to figure each other out, and it made for some interesting times. We were both pretty stressed out for a little while, especially when it came to the whole eating thing. I could never be sure you were getting enough, but you never cried for more. Anyway, I was nervous about things so I took you into the doctor's office and had you weighed. As it turns out, you were losing weight... not a good thing. You were what Dr. Art (you'll love him!) called a "hibernator". That means instead of crying to tell me that you needed more food you would just go to sleep. So we stopped breastfeeding and switched to formula. I think it was the best decision we've ever made for you.

I am so happy that I get to see your little personality grow everyday. You are such a content and, for the most part, happy baby. You love music, noise, and being around people. For the first little while we didn't get much sleep. I left you for the night with Nana and Aunt Maddie one night last week, and I'll be honest, I cried a little when I came home. I couldn't believe I was leaving my baby with someone else overnight. I put you in your crib last night for your first night on your own. You did pretty well with it. We'll keep trying and see how things go from here.

Anyway, my sweet baby boy, know that your mom loves you very much. I'm so excited to see you grow and change everyday.

Love, Mommy

I am not a failure

Sometimes life doesn't go according to plan. I've mentioned on this blog before how I like plans. I like to know what's coming, I like to have lists made of things I need to get done. I like schedules. I crave structure. Anyway, back to the point:

I had a plan. A birth plan, in fact. I was going to go into labor without medical assistance. I was going to woman up and muscle through my contractions. I was going to deliver a healthy baby without the aid of medications. I was going (gasp) natural.

Well, none of that happened. I was induced. I received cytotec and pitocin to get my labor going. I muscled through my contractions for about 2 hours before I was begging for an epidural. My plan was shot from almost the word "go".

But I am not a failure. I still have a healthy, happy baby.

And then there were the other plans: I was going to bond instantly with my child. I was going to feel a love like nothing I'd ever felt before. I was going to breastfeed him for a whole year. I wasn't going to cry when he kept me up in the night.

Well, let me tell you all a little secret that no one ever shares: sometimes you don't bond instantly. Sometimes you feel like you're holding, caring for, feeding, and changing someone else's baby. You feel like you're waiting for his real mom to come pick him up. But she never comes. So you muddle through, feeling like you're not doing anything right. You don't necessarily love them right away. You worry about their welfare, you think about them constantly, and you kind of like them a little... but sometimes bonding takes time.

And breastfeeding. Oh man, breastfeeding. It's hard. And it hurts. And sometimes your baby is a hibernater and won't tell you that he's not getting enough food. So you stop. Cold turkey... and guess what: your baby thrives on formula. And every time you feed him a bottle and look into his big baby eyes you fall in love with him a little bit more.

And one day you realize that if anybody ever tried to take him away from you they wouldn't live to see another day. Because you love that little guy with everything you have. And you can't imagine your life without him.

So, if any of that makes me a failure I guess I can live with that. Because I have a healthy, happy baby that I love more than anything else in the world.

A Plea

I'm bored. Like, really bored.

Monday was my birthday, so I stayed fairly busy. Curious George and I spent some time shopping for some frames for The Aquarium. Then we had dinner, movie night, and cake with some cousins.

Yesterday I spent the day running errands. I did some shopping. I put up the vinyl on Sharky's wall. I planned my menu for the week and went to the grocery store. I cleaned out the freezer, for crying out loud! (Usually I spend the bulk of my Tuesday at work, for those who don't know)

Then today rolled around. What was on the agenda for today? Laundry. Yep, that's it. Just laundry. Now, I'm sure many of you (with much larger families than my own) could spend a whole day just doing laundry. Not so for me. I have our laundry done in about 4-5 loads. Ok, so this does take a little time because I sometimes have to run clothes through the dryer twice, but still not enough to fill a whole dang day.

I've already watched more tv than I ever have in my life. I've finished my book. I've read approximately 387,000 blogs. I've logged more hours on facebook than any one person should.

So, blogging universe, I come to you for answers. Please, give me some ideas of something to do. I'm begging you!

The Aquarium, AKA A Nursery for Sharky

So, I finally put the vinyl up on the nursery wall. Pretty much I'm just trying to keep myself occupied now that I'm on maternity leave. I figured it was time for a little sneak peak at the nursery, though, so here you go:

Right now the changing table is housing the stuffed animals. I'll have to find them another home soon. I've also got some bins stuffed full of extra blankets, diapers, wipes, bum cream, etc. I figured I'd want that stuff close at hand. That tasty little piece of camo you see in the corner is the man's favorite diaper bag. Curious George told me that the one I picked out was much too girly for our manly Shark-child (speaking of which, I have another diaper bag, obviously never used, which is up for grabs to anyone that wants it. It's very cute.).

This is Sharky's crib. I got a swinging deal on the crib bedding, and my mom helped me buy the crib and changing table.

This is the vinyl we decided on for over the crib. I'm not sure why it's all washed out and gray looking. The walls are actually tan.

The dresser with some books and monsters (thanks Carma!).

My favorite corner in the room. The cabinet has some more blankets, binkies, burp clothes, etc. The picture on the wall was a gift from my siblings.

I just love these little birds, too! It looks to me like they're hanging out on a telephone wire.

"The Aquarium"

I Am Not a Patient Person

The long-awaited day has arrived... my due date. And the sharkbaby is still cooking. I shouldn't be surprised. For quite some time I've been resigned to the idea of having to be induced. I just have a feeling that this little Sharkleton is going to be just like his mama: stubborn, only willing to do things on his own time, and always running just a tiny bit late. I had high hopes for him being born early or on time, because tomorrow is my birthday. Yep, I could possibly have a birthday baby. I hope for his sake that he isn't born on my birthday. It wouldn't bother me any, but I don't want him to have to be the kid that shares a birthday with his mom. So not cool.

When I saw the midwives on Wednesday they were very encouraging. Apparently I've been having early labor contractions for at least a week now. This is a good thing, because it's all work that my body won't have to do in the actual throes of labor. I was also told that their conservative estimate on a weight right now is 8.5 pounds. Yeah, that was their small guess.

I officially started my maternity leave yesterday. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself until he's born. I'm used to keeping myself on a pretty solid schedule through the week. I grocery shop on Monday, work Tuesday, do laundry and see the midwives on Wednesday, and then work again Thursday and Friday. With no work to keep me balanced I'm a little worried about filling my time. I guess I should make some dinners to freeze so Curious George doesn't have to worry about cooking for us for a little while. I'll be honest, though, what I really want to do is sit around on the couch in my sweats and just wait this little guy out.

Mostly, though, I'm starting to get nervous. I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that this little shark-monster in my belly is going to be an actual living, breathing, human baby... any day now. I'm going to be a mommy. I'm going to be responsible for this little dude's education and upbringing. I'm sure I'll be fine, I've got a lot of great examples around me, but it's still a daunting idea.

So, I guess we just keep waiting. He has to be born eventually, right?

A Shark is Not a Mammal

Dear Sharkbaby,

So, you're due in 6 days. I can hardly believe it! Sometimes I feel like I've been pregnant with you forever, but really it's gone so quickly. The midwife says you'll probably be late, so I'm trying not to get too worked up about your actual due date (January 16th, the day before my 26th birthday), but it's hard not to. I feel like I've been waiting for you for a long time.

Your daddy is so excited to meet you, too. He keeps talking about all of the cool stuff he gets to teach you. He is really happy that you're a boy. I think he was worried about sharing his hobbies with a little girl. He really hopes that you love motorcycles, guns, camping, and all that other boy-type stuff he loves. I keep telling him that he gets to teach you about all of that stuff, but I'm still going to read you stories, teach you how to cook, and do lots of other things too.

We've almost got your room ready for you. The last thing we have to do is put the vinyl on the wall. I let your daddy pick it and he's so excited about it. It is pretty awesome. We've had your crib for a long time, your Nana and Pops helped us with that part, and your rocking chair came from your Oma. She used to rock your dad and Uncle Richard in it. I think that makes it pretty special. Your Aunt Maddie, and Uncles Zach and Mac got a really awesome picture to hang in your bedroom. Now every time you look at it you can be reminded of how much Jesus loves you. I've got a bunch of your clothes washed for you, I just hope you don't grow too fast otherwise they won't fit for long.

I'm pretty sure that you're going to be a big baby. As of 3 weeks ago you were already over 7 pounds. I think you're long, too. You're at least long enough to get your feet up under my ribs.

You're probably wondering about your nickname... I guess I should share. Early on in my pregnancy I kept dreaming that you weren't a human baby, but a baby shark. When daddy and I couldn't decide on a name, we started calling you Sharky and it just kind of stuck. It has since evolved into Sharkbaby, The Sharkman, and Sharkleton. We still haven't decided what we're going to name you, for real. We're hoping that once we see you we'll know what your name is. We have some good ideas, though.

All in all, everyone is pretty excited for you to get here. We're trying to wait patiently, but it's getting really hard. I've got three more shifts at work, and then it's really just down to waiting. So, basically what I'm saying is... could you hurry up and be born?

I love you!

Love,

Mommy

The End

Dear Blogging World,

Sorry I have been such a slacker lately. Life has been a little bit crazy in the Longstocking house lately.

I've been trying to figure out how to do a year end wrap-up, but I just don't know how to go about it. There have been some big things going on for us this year, but also a whole lot of nothing new. Anyone who reads this blog regularly is going to know about the big stuff, but I'll recap just for something to write about.

Big news number one was when we found out we were pregnant back in May. The first trimester was rough, and working nights didn't help, but I managed to hang onto my sanity (if not my lunch). I'm sure there were times that Curious George wanted to throw me out the window because I was being overly-emotional, ridiculous, or any number of other things. However, he managed to hold back and we've both survived to almost the bitter end.

Big news number two was buying our house in August. We've been so happy here, but are still working on finding out where we fit in our ward/neighborhood. Curious George is working with the priest quorum and I'm the personal progress advisor for the young women. I've got my work cut out for me in the new year with those girls... PP has not been a priority in this ward for awhile.

We are both so grateful to have jobs in this crazy economy. We are grateful for a beautiful home to live in. We are grateful for the opportunity we will have to be parents in a few short weeks. We are grateful to have our families close by and so supportive. We are so grateful for all of the many blessings we receive on a daily basis.

We hope the holidays have treated you well, and wish you health and happiness in the year to come!